Quotes, Questions and Sayings

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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Cheese = Madness » Thu Jun 25, 2009 3:28 pm

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Danith Daurkreign » Fri Jun 26, 2009 11:14 am

Hahaha :lol:
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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Cheese = Madness » Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:47 am

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Manitoba. If it was invented anywhere else it would have
been called a teethbrush.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Saskatchewan Provincial
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

# Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular: "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.
The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular: "At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself: "In Saskatchewan, we learn not to piss on our hands."

# If you get a divorce in Saskatchewan, are you still brother and sister?

The Cowboy
An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink. As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she orderedher drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I reckon I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now, son - it's a local call"

Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."
Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy."
Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."

Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1. He gasps to the operator, "By tundering Jesus, I tink me pal Bud is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There was silence.... and then a gun shot was heard.
Joe comes back on the line; "Okay, now what?"

It was mealtime during a flight on Air Canada.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated
in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A newfie calls the RCMP "Hello is the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!"
The next day the RCMP descends on Billy Bob's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's..
"Hey Billy Bob, did the RCMP come to your house?"
"Did they chop all your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday Buddy!"

A Newfie went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy newf", so he decided to set a test for the Newfie hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss.
"Second question, same rules, but represent 99".
Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go bye," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newf so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base
of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100."
The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?"

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Two newfies, George and Frank, are getting tired of Newfoundland
and start to think about moving out West for a better life.
George is all for it but Frank is a little skeptical.
George says,"Frank bye, the work is plentiful, lotsa tings ta do and
it'll be a good change fer us, "Frank replies,"I know Garge but what about the Atlantic?" Won't you miss the fishin, and smell of the salt water in the mornin'? "George agrees, but offers an Idea,"Well Frank, why don't you take your fishin'dory witch a and when ever ya starts to miss da rock ya can hop in your dory and fantasize about St.Johns"
Well that's all it took to convince Frank, and they strap the dory to the roof of the truck and off they go. Well it's been 4 days driving and Frank is really missing Newfoundland, so George stops the truck in the middle of the prairies and says, "Look out at dose flat wheat fields Frank, doesn't dat remind you of the ocean, the way the wind is blowin' through the grain?"
Frank replies, "Lard tunderin Jasus Garge yer right!" They unhook the
dory and haul it out to the middle of the field, sit back, relax and
start rowing. Well it just happens that, at the same time
another Newfie is on his way back from Alberta and spots the plates
on their truck and then notices the two of them out on the field
rowing away.
Well the new arrival gets so angry he stops his truck, hops out and
begins to scream at them.
"No wonder the whole country tinks we're stupid, look at you two
fools out there rowin 'Jasus, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick yer arses!!!!!"

Toronto coach Pat Quinn sends scouts out around the world looking for a new centre to hopefully help win the Stanley Cup for Toronto.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi centre who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Pat flies to Iraq to watch him play and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the NHL.
Two weeks later,Toronto is down 4-0 at home against Montreal with only 8 minutes left. Pat gives the young Iraqi centre the nod to go on, and he puts him on in place of Sundin.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 8 minutes and wins the game for Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the ice, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in the NHL. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today, we were down 4-0 but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me; the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mum, I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved to Toronto in the first place!"

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?” George asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins," said Archie,” I’ll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Cheese = Madness » Mon Aug 03, 2009 11:23 pm

Here in the internets, we answer that silly question. "Why so serious?" "Because the internet is serious business."
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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Danith Daurkreign » Sat Aug 08, 2009 8:55 am

Your face...
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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Cheese = Madness » Sat Aug 08, 2009 3:12 pm

"We're going to die."

"think positive"

"We're going to die quickly"
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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Mandoade » Sat Aug 15, 2009 11:59 am

I think the funniest example of something like your 'Canadian confidence' story up there is one story that's probably false and one story that's definitely true. The false one:

300 British soldiers were surrounded by a Panzer division in World War II, down to their last five antitank rockets and a handful of mortars. Well, the German general figures that, if they know the odds they're up against, they'll just surrender and come quietly. So he sets up a meet with the British leader.
They sit down together at a table to talk things over. The German general goes first, because he knows he has the upper hand.
"You are brave fighters," he tells the Brit. "Your men have put up a terrific defense. I think, however, that all is in vain. There is still time to surrender."
The British leader looks him straight in the eye, and says, "I'm sorry, old chap, but we have neither the provisions nor the capacity for taking prisoners."

The true one:

In what is known as the Battle of the Bulge, or the Battle of the Ardennes forest, the 101st Airborne division was tasked with the defense of Bastogne, a key strategic point for logistics. Led by General Anthony McAuliffe, they were cut off by German shock troops and completely surrounded. The German commander, seeing that he had the upper hand, sent an envoy to McAuliffe, asking him to surrender. There were two responses to the envoy, one written and one verbal. The written reply was "NUTS".

McAuliffe's verbal reply was said to be unprintable, even in response to an enemy.
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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Cheese = Madness » Sun Sep 06, 2009 8:12 pm

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.
- Will Ferguson
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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Bayushi Kazemi » Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:51 pm

These shirts are way too large for me.
*10 minutes later*
Wow, actually, these shirts fit me perfectly. I'm a lot wider than I thought I was.
Scorpion's Favored Comic #2: http://xkcd.com/369/
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Re: Quotes, Questions and Sayings

Postby Cheese = Madness » Fri Oct 23, 2009 2:47 pm

There are two rules to success. 1. Don't tell everything you know.
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